Dear Taylor Swift:
I know what you've been doing. Your demure demeanor, your conservative style of dress, you lowering your head innocently for talk show hosts when the subject of your love life is brought up… it's an entire brand built around your being innocent... and it might have SOME people fooled… but I'm not some people.
You've tried your hardest to be seen in the arms of [insert male singer/actor/Kennedy here], gallivanting around, public displays of affection. You know the media is following you… which means you are looking to get attention and be talked about. I'm hardly the only writer/show host who has an opinion on your romantic/sexual exploits (Ellen playfully mentioned your laundry list of men, Jimmy Fallon and a slew of late-night show hosts have had more than a few quips and comments). However… you might wanna brace yourself… this could get a little rough. Not because I'm mean… but because no one has told you the street-smart truth. Please note that this is not a self-serving letter. In my experience, sometimes people need a wake-up call... and if I may be so bold, that is what I'm attempting to provide—for you, and for the young, impressionable girls who look up to you.
First… let's identify who is dog paddling in your Wake of Romantic Destruction:
- Eddie Redmayne (actor, recently in Les Miserables)
- Lucas Till (actor, recently in X-MEN, First Class)
- Patrick Schwarzenegger (actor, recently in The Benchwarmers)
- Justin Gaston (American Idol and Nashville Star contestant)
- Chord Overstreet (actor, Glee)
- Tim Tebow (football star)
- Garrett Hedlund (actor, recently in TRON: Legacy)
- Joe Jonas (singer)
- Taylor Lautner (actor, Twilight)
- Cory Monteith (actor, Glee)
- John Mayer (singer)
- Toby Hemingway (actor, recently in Black Swan)
- Jake Gyllenhaal (actor)
- Will Anderson (band member, Parachute)
- Conor Kennedy (he's a Kennedy… well… Shriver)
- Harry Styles (band member, One Direction)
That's 16 men in five years. And the result: You are perceived to be pure. America's quintessential Sweetheart. In my observations, I have only one word: Bullshit.
The perception many have of you is that you are just unlucky when it comes to love. From a reader on my Facebook page: "[Taylor's] terrible at relationships but has a knack for writing stupid, catchy songs about failed love interests. She's an entrepreneur of failing at life, but succeeding because of it. C'est la vie."
Uh huh. I wonder if that would be the public's opinion if you were a 23-year-old MALE singer—banging chicks today, putting them up for public humiliation through song lyrics and frustrated commentary on daytime/nighttime talk shows tomorrow. What's that? You don't remember what you said about your conquests, Miss Swift? Please allow me to remind you:
The Public Flogging of Joe Jonas - 2008
He broke up with you over the phone… and you felt it was within your rights to put him on blast in front of the world for doing so. You slammed him on Ellen and the crowd was very taken aback.
The "It's not you; it's me" message to Taylor Lautner - 2009
You dating from October to December 2009, and ending things allegedly because (according to reports) "he liked you more than you liked him." Coincidentally, "Back to December" was released in 2010.
The Open "Fuck you!" to John Mayer - 2009
You collaborated with John on "Half of My Heart" and start dating soon after… and (rumor has it) it didn't end well. a year later, you released "Dear John", a ballad laced with words that raked "John" over the proverbial coals — in front of the world. You denied the song was about him to various media outlets… but we (and you) all know you are full of it.
The "Thanks for the Billboard hit!" note to Jake Gyllenhaal - 2011
It was brief but riddled with public displays of passion. You wrote and released "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" soon after you broke things off.
In reviewing your romantic exploits—which you have made sure are not only public, but also fodder for discussion, fueling your album sales—a number of things have become clear:
- You are a user of people. You hook up, use the experience to foster creativity, and move on. Many artists use environment, life experience, and find other sources of inspiration. Your inspiration seems to emanate from three places: Causing the humiliation and the suffering of others, a lack of conscience about it, and turning bad relationships into victimhood.
- You are climbing a ladder of men. You started with C-list actors, moved up the chain to more well-known performers/singers/celebs (even a Kennedy)… landing on a member of today's hottest boy band (Harry Styles of One Direction). Not sure where you go from here to keep moving up in the world of penis… but perhaps former president Clinton has an extra cigar lying around somewhere. Who knows? Your next song title might be "I Got Burned".
- You have a desperate need for attention… which is why you are glomming on to whoever is hot at the moment. It's funny how the world can blast Britney Spears for her relationship issues (and Lord knows that the Kardashians have been on my radar with their money-laden-bullshit-world of "love")… but you can seemingly walk through life, climbing the tree of better-known cock… and the world forgives you. I guess only Britney and Kim are "role models"… you get a pass.
- You are not so innocent. Not at all, actually, and it's been amazing to watch. Many players (which you are, dah-ling… you need to face it) don't have the personality to hang around after they fuck someone over. They have to skip town… QUICKLY, because they've been unmasked. Most players are actually hustlers… with a smooth line, a victim's mentality, and a good excuse as to why things go awry. But you are a great example as to what separates hustlers from con artists. Hustlers have to jump ship… cons can stay around… because they are viewed as friendly/victims/unlucky.
And now… the harsh truth: You are what so many women would call "a typical man". You find a target, have your own fun based on your own selfish needs, and leave. And then, you feign innocence. I've watched you on TV, Miss Swift… and I'm not fooled. ;) You're no mystery to me; I used to be you… so the bullshit is REALLY easy to spot.
I must say, however, that it's been fascinating is to listen to your supporters discuss how you are "just a young girl who is just dating a lot; and there's nothing wrong with that." And I whole-heartedly agree... if you were, in fact, dating. However, you aren't dating... you've had 16 relationships for young girls to see. Bad dates [usually] won't make someone write songs to gain closure or move on... nor will that someone [usually] feel the need to blast their bad date in front of the world.
My advice: Quit while you're ahead. 16 men later, the world is on to you (Jesus… it took long enough)... and I wish YOU would look at YOU. They see the pattern… and unless your vagina has a cape on it and is laced in gold and diamonds… the next guy is (hopefully) going to be VERY wary of your motivations. Find a new way to inspire yourself, instead of sponging off others, and being a vampire of their love just so you can manifest your own suffering and write about it. Stop being a fake to yourself, and find the self-esteem to stand on your own… instead of finding self-value and fame in the person you are currently preparing to exploit.
Of course, this is just my opinion; I could be wrong.
With a hard dose of reality,