Cougars and MILFs
Friday, October 17, 2008 at 9:20AM 
Cougar. MILF. Two words that keep making their rounds in various subcultures. For those in the un-know, let’s define these terms—err… at least, offer the media-infused definitions:
Cougar: A woman over 40 who pursues, dates and “plays” with younger men… sometimes significantly younger
MILF: A simple acronym… Mom I’d Like to F*ck.
Driven by the media, these terms are creeping into everyday vocabulary and life: from Barbara Walters’ interview with the women of The View to the multitude of websites dedicated to “assisting young men” find, attract, and date said Cougars and MILFS: dateacougar.info, milf-date.com, and milfdatelink.com are just the tip of the iceburg… but Sherry M. is all in favor of it.
“I’m [over 50] and have been dating men 10-20 years younger since I was divorced at the age of 38. Being single and ‘looking’ for the past year (I had been with a 38 year old for the past six years), I just recently registered on an online cougars dating site. I hadn’t thought about being a ‘Cougar’, but in trying to better ‘target my market’ (I am a marketing consultant), I realized I needed to find a site that specialized in older women looking for younger men. I have to say, I was amazed that most of the men on the site seem to be looking for women 30 years older, and I had hoped to meet someone at least older than my youngest child… and most are not looking for stable relationships. I find the men meet who are my age are often “done” with life… no more questions, more passion… and if they are still alive, they wouldn’t consider dating someone as old as me! They’re looking for much younger women.”
Edgy? Sure. Are the terms cute? Perhaps, but it depends on who’s saying it and how it’s said. These labels have been assigned to women for their actions, behavior, attractiveness, body type, or lifestyle. And as with any label, each comes with its own perception. I went in search of a reality-check on these terms, and spoke with women from all walks of life. I was greeted with a multitude of responses, ranging from “Hell yeah! I’m a Cougar, and DAMN proud of it!” to “WTF is this about? Why am I a cat because I’m dating a younger guy?”
Case-in-point: “Pamela from Maryland”—a “seasoned and spicy 50 year-old”— loves the term: “Well, the Cougar label is better than a ‘hag’ label! The image of a cougar is strong, sleek, confident, playful, fierce, protective —and very capable of taking care one’s self.”
But where did the terms originate? Reports and opinions vary, but Pamela has a theory that is more probable than not: “I believe that the label ‘Cougar’ was coined by a really pissed off ‘twenty-something’ [woman] who saw her [male] prey enticed and conquered by a more experienced woman with more to offer than sex. Let’s be honest—a label is a label; street vendors sell knock-offs [of designer labels] constantly. A true Cougar laughs off the disparaging comments, and anyone entertaining the thought of getting involved with a Cougar must realize that 1) we don’t need anyone to feel or be complete; 2) our time is important to us and we’ll invest it where we’ll get the most return; and 3) will everyone please just lighten up? And by the way….who’s to say MILF doesn’t mean MEN I’d Like to F*ck?”
Although similar and cut from the same cloth, Cougars and MILFs are different, and after speaking with over 100 women about the positives and negatives of the label and personal/societal perceptions, I was faced with very different comments and opinions. We’ll tackle MILFs tomorrow… for now, let’s look at the cats.
COUGARS
The word itself denotes a cat with a hunter’s instincts and actions… a predator, if you will. And that caused a stir with Donna Moore (singer, actress, and writer/producer of the theatre production: COUGAR! A New Musical—which is currently running off-Broadway, check out www.donnamoorediva.com): “I think there’s a double standard. Now that women are dating younger men, society wants to vilify and predatorialize women calling them a Cougar. A number of people have asked me what you call an older man who is linked with a younger woman and I’ve researched it… it’s called a man.”
True, Donna… other men call him “lucky”.
So, is a Cougar a 40 year-old+ body-image-focused, younger man-dater? Maybe, but there’s much more to it than that. “[Society] also sees Jennifer Anniston and Demi Moore [as Cougars],” said Pamela from Maryland. “I think women in their 40’s are just ‘coming into their own’, and realizing their ability to take control of their lives and how much fun life can. It’s all about attitude.”
And that attitude can carry over to all parts of life. With that said, is being a Cougar about dating and sexuality? Or is it finance and security? Or maybe it’s body youthfulness? A partying lifestyle? Maybe, and I heard from women in all these siloed walks of life… but being a Cougar is about he combination of these traits, despite what the media might “define” as a Cougar:
“The ‘notion’ of being a Cougar is based on what the media projects…” continues Pamela, “which is dating and sexuality first and foremost —hey, it gets the ratings. But if you actually looked at a woman who perceives herself as a Cougar, you find a very confident, no bullsh*t woman who has seen it all—been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and is not threatened by a younger woman. In business, it’s every woman (and man) for herself (or himself)—the bedroom rarely plays into the boardroom anymore. [Cougars] prove our existence every day, and can relax at the end of the day with a chilled Grey Goose and a smile.”
And Kristen S. agrees: “Cougars defy the societal stereotype of age—or more accurately, they ignore it. It’s definitely about sexuality though, which comes from a confidence and wisdom a woman gains from life experience. Sexuality, especially for women, is so psychological—I view cougars as women who know who they are and have gained wisdom from life experience—and that is sexy.”
“The term Cougar is used when discussing dating and sexuality,” said Susan Hartzler, president of AlphaDogPR. “But a Cougar is someone who has it all together to be attractive to any man, be it young or old. She is financially secure, has a youthful spirit and joie de vivre that cannot be bought, or found in someone in their 20s. You have to have lived life to know about how to live YOUR life. I would much rather be labeled a Cougar than an old broad or worse—a spinster. There are words that are much worse than Cougar that the media could have come up with to use. I think Cougar works. I’m proud of my age. I’m proud of my Cougar status. I still turn heads. I still get whistled at. Until that changes, I’m still purring up a storm!”
“The cougar upsets the status quo in many respects, said Karin Anderson, Ph.D. at Concordia University. “In our culture (with the strong possibility of evolutionary factors playing a part here as well), women are valued for their physiques, while men are valued for their power/influence. Therefore, young women rule and older men rule. The cougar intimidates young women in that she looks much like they do yet has what they don’t—confidence, financial means, security, command of her sexuality, and a strong sense of self. Therefore, it is likely, that young women are the most threatened by the cougar. In fact, I was first introduced to the concept when a friend in her mid-twenties called me a cougar. She was joking, of course, but clearly the term appeared in her vernacular long before mine.”
I spoke with a number of self-identifying Cougars that were clear that they were after younger guys purely for fun. But I also spent time with Debbie Nigro, who summed things up beautifully: “When women are in their 20s, they are looking to procreate with… when they are in their 40’s, they are looking for someone to recreate with.”
And as the Co-founder and Chief Executive Girlfriend (self-titled) at FirstWivesWorld.com, Debbie would know. Her site focuses on assisting women put a new face on divorce, thus creating another “happily ever after” for themselves. She and I spent a lot of time talking, and separating the media hype from the reality of Cougars:
MILFs and Cougars… lots of opinion, lots of misconceptions. Case-in-point, this comment from Libbe HaLevy, a “59, gray-haired and hipper than hell” marketing coach:
Cougars are ‘older women’ (38?!?!?????) — this is terribly prejudicial. What is meant by the term as I’ve heard it used is men calling this kind of woman predatory simply because she still has interest or involvement in sex. What — you mean we don’t curl up and sexually die simply because we’ve moved beyond the age of pneumatic anorexia and jailbait midriffs?
A little meat on the bones, some experience with life, and the ability to throw out birth control forever lead to women taking control of our lives in a brand new way. We have money, power, looks (though some men refuse to see it… usually those who we’d formerly considered “age appropriate”, appetites and freedom. Why shouldn’t we be out there enjoying ourselves in whatever way we choose? And I, for one, have found younger men far more receptive to my truth than men my age or older.
Cougar? How about Goddess? 
And from Karin Anderson, Ph.D:
I’m 38 and get approached by 25-year-olds all the time. I’m not “on the prowl” for younger men, but if a guy is nice and cute I’m not going to rule him out just because he’s younger than me. Apparently, this makes me a Cougar, according to some. Personally, I think the term evidences lingering sexism and misogyny in our society. Sure, an 85-year-old man is considered a letch if he tries to date a woman who is 35, but a 40-year-old man dating a 25-year-old woman is deemed perfectly normal. But a 40-year-old woman dating a 25-year-old man is considered a cougar. It’s just your run of the mill sexism manifested in our language—much like the fact that our words for older, unmarried women are quite negative (i.e. spinster, old maid) but our only term for an unmarried man holds no pejorative connotations whatsoever—bachelor. 
But that’s only one of the terms. What about *MILF*, the “affectionate” term for attractive mothers that younger men would like to bed. The term was made popular by the movie American Pie (1999), but has been around much longer. But although the media sometimes uses these terms synonymously, “MILF” is very different from “Cougar”, with the former having an almost exclusive sexual connotation, while the latter seemingly personifies empowerment, life experience, and freedom. As such, some of the women I spoke with could identify with “Cougar” and found “MILF” offensive:
From Sherry M.
I’m embarrassed to say that I had to look up MILF… and I’m even more embarrassed, and disgusted, now that I know what it means. YES, it’s offensive. I have four grown children (and four—soon to be five—grandchildren). Although I have no problem referring to myself as a Cougar in front of them, I would never want them to think of me as an MILF. 
But there are many women who self-identify as a MILF, and find power and confidence in the term. Magazine MILF, the outspoken, funny, opinionated and obviously empowered womon who writes a blog of the same name (and if you have any questions on what is/being a MILF, please check out her FAQs, notably titled MILF and Cookies).She and I corresponded about the perceptions and the positive aspects of being identified as a MILF, and her responses were interesting, if not peppered with positivity and empowerment…
Charles Orlando: What specifically about the term MILF is positive to you?
Magazine MILF: I know that a lot of feminists don’t like the word MILF. They see it as misogynistic — as a man’s view of a woman, and if you take it literally, that is probably true. I, too, consider myself a feminist (my mom burned her bra and my dad marched alongside her at woman’s lib marches) but I see MILF as a positive because it acknowledges that a woman can still be sexy, sexual, beautiful, desirable and confident post-baby. While this may seem obvious in the age of the ever-present celebrity mother, it’s a relatively new concept for the mainstream. Among mothers I know, describing someone as a MILF is a cheeky and welcome compliment that is synonymous with “hot mom.” It means you look terrific, despite the chaos of child-raising, not to mention the physical toll of pregnancy; there are no sexual overtones to this scenario.
C.O.: The media seem to define MILFs as “over the age of 40”? Do you agree?
M.M.: I am 34 and I am a MILF. My nanny is 28 and she is a MILF too. Any woman who is a mother can be a MILF.
C.O.: Is being a MILF more about dating and sexuality, finance and security, body youthfulness, or lifestyle?
M.M.: MILFiness is as much about your looks and style, as it is a state of mind. It’s about doing your best with what you’ve got—looks, finances, confidence, etc.
C.O.: The notion that a woman who is attractive, financially secure, and strong—strong enough to go after and attain what she wants— needs to be labeled anything besides a woman is concerning. And while some women find the term “MILF” endearing (which speaks to their high level of self-esteem), the motivations for the label itself disenfranchise the powerful people these women have become. What is George Clooney called (at 47 years old) besides a “hot bachelor”? And he’s what the media defines as “older”… how did women get the label of MILF or Cougar, and men skate out unscathed?
M.M.: If someone comes up with a catchier phrase than “hot bachelor,” you can bet it will work its way into the mainstream! The thing is, nobody doubts the virility and attractiveness of men of a certain age, whether they are fathers or bachelors. But women were largely assumed to have lost their appeal once they became mothers, and the explosion of the word MILF dovetails with our change in attitude toward mothers. Mothers are no longer asexual frumps. You can still be totally hot and confident and desirable after you have children. I love it that moms have this fun and fabulous term. It gives us something that the dudes don’t have, and it’s not some feminization of a term that already exists for men (like bachelor and bachelorette, ugh!).Being a woman is fabulous but being a fabulous woman who is a mother too, well, that’s downright MILFy! It’s like belonging to a really fun club.
I agree with where Magazine MILF is headed, but the sexual nature of the term is challenges the possibility of MILF becoming a term of empowerment. Heading over to the Urban Dictionary (which gets all it’s definitions from users), and the definition is definitely NOT about empowerment (warning: strong language on the link).
My hope is that men can Evolve past their own insecurities, and stop seeing women of power and confidence as sexual marks to dominate (read: like an unbroken horse, Cougars and MILFs need to be—once again—kept down and/or back and brought within the control of a man). A quote from my upcoming book might capture this thought completely:
It is written that “Behind every great man is a woman.” I would argue that perhaps, “In front of every potentially great woman is an underdeveloped, mediocre man who won’t get out of her way.”
Charles Orlando | 3 Comments | Category: Dating, Divorce, Marriage, Media Influences, Other Sites, Personal Stuff, Public Figures, Research/Studies, Sex, Training a Man, Working Mothers | 3 References | Share Article | Send to a Friend 
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Reader Comments (3)
I think MILF-ness is a state of thinking and a way of carrying yourself. For too long women felt that they were a mother and that meant they had to be maternal in every sense of the word. I like to think that a MILF is a woman who presents to the world that she is a woman and has the needs of a woman sexually. I have no problem being a mother and a woman and I am attractive to the other sex because I prove that sexiness is not just contained to those who are not mothers. Men like a woman who takes care of her needs and has many facets. I will proudly wear the MILF badge and promote it on my own blog too. Amazing how many people admire a woman at any age who is honest.
Older women and younger men is nothing new. All over the world it occurs - it's a natural fit. Both people are getting what they want. It's just the term "cougar" thats new.
What is it that men find attractive about milfs? I recently saw a xxx site and ite posted the womens age and how many kids she had, like the more kids she had the more attractive she became. I just dont understand it, why men would specificaly seek out a 'milf' is beyond me. Dont get me wrong I consider myself a milf, but to me i just means Im still attractive even though I have a young child, nothing more nothing less