Is Chivalry Dead? And if not, should it be?

“Chivalry is dead!”

Women have uttered this statement for decades, lamenting that men do not put enough effort into dating and relationships. Or perhaps men start strong—pulling out chairs, opening doors, paying for dinner—with some keeping it going long after courtship has waned, and others dropping the romantic ball right after she says, “I do.” But regardless, one question remains: In a world where successful relationships are built on equality, does chivalry still belong?

Let’s consider the etymology of the word for a moment. Chivalry comes from the Middle English chivalrie, taken from the French word chevalier, or knight. The references to shining armor, swordplay, and the Round Table are common knowledge, painting a picture of Guinevere dropping her ’kerchief for Lancelot before a joust (behind her husband Arthur’s back, though).

Chivalry—Civility or polite attention, especially to ladies. Nobility of spirit or action; courage; courtliness.

The act of acting gallant is synonymous with chivalrous actions, and digging a little deeper reveals an interesting, lesser-known definition of “gallant”:

Attention or courtesy designed to win criminal favors from a female.

Even back in medieval times, men had it down cold. Treat ’em right, even if you have to lie, and you’ll have her in bed in no time.

Despite the origins of the words themselves, I believe the concept is sound: Treat women with civility and respect. Period. I would offer that actions of this type transcend gender lines and might be better served if defined as “treat people with civility and respect”. But when in comes to relationships, some women have risen up against chivalry, stating emphatically that the notion of “treating a lady like a lady” is rooted in sexism, and treats women as the weaker sex. I see the point, but I can’t agree entirely.

I have long held the belief that women should be treated with respect and civility… not because they are women, but because people deserve it. When I’ve opened a car door, helped put a coat on, held a door open, or pulled a chair out for a woman, I’ve never performed these actions because I thought she was weak. Rather, I was doing these things because I felt it was respectful and polite. I’ve opened doors for men, too. If I do, am I challenging his masculinity? Does it mean that I’m opening it for him because I feel more Alpha than he?

Perhaps there is an assumption being made that if the relationship isn’t based on equality from the get-go, the man will continue to assert himself and garner more and more control/dominance over the relationship—keeping the women “under his thumb”.

For a couple to be equal, does that mean everything each of them does has to be reciprocated… exactly? I asked a few people about their impressions of the subject matter, and their answers were interesting:

From Lolo in the Bay Area, CA:
No, I don’t think chivalry is dead. There are some good [pause] people is the world. And I don’t think there is anything sexist about it. I like being treated with respect, and that’s a good thing.”

From George in Pleasanton, CA:
Chivalry has nothing to do with being sexist, in my opinion. If I open a door for a woman—is has nothing to do with her ability to perform the action. I’m merely acting with respect. My mother raised me right, and I treat everyone with respect.”

From Erica in Washington, D.C.:
I’m a strong woman, and I don’t need anyone doing things for me that I can do myself. Still, it’s nice when it’s offered.”

From Sean in Atlanta, GA:
I enjoy treating a lady right, but it seems like many women don’t want to be treated well anymore. They are so focused on being seen as “powerful”, that they are afraid to let their guard down and let a man treat them right. Most of the women that I’ve men seem to be attracted to men that will treat the poorly.”

Perhaps there’s some common ground where chivalry can co-exist with equality. I believe we’re all aware that some men use chivalrous actions to steal love/romance/sex from women, but those morally-challenged miscreants shouldn’t ruin modern-day chivalry for everyone. Treating people with respect is a prerequisite for successful relationships—romantic or otherwise—and I personally hope chivalry can stick around for a long while.

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 7th, 2009 at 4:46 pm and is filed under Dating, Etiquette, Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.