Bad Relationships: Is it ALL Men’s Fault?
Regular readers of my blog and book know my feelings on failed relationships. For those just becoming acquainted with me, my views or my writing, I put significant onus on men, their lack of involvement and/or commitment, and their resentment of being demanded to put more into their relationships. (And as a reminder, I’m speaking generally about men here. There are plenty of men that are making better choices for their relationships… and if you are, I’m not referring to you. Congrats on working on yourself… I am, too.)
Since the publishing of The Problem with Women… is Men, I’ve been accused of breaking The Guy’s Code and letting men swing in the wind while “telling women what they want to hear in order to sell more books”. Sorry, but I need to call “Bullshit!” on that statement, as I have at least 10-times as much content on my blog as there is in my book… and that research/writing is free. I think my favorite bash was from some misogynistic clown on YouTube (posting under a pseudonym, of course) who saw my interview on Bay Sunday, and emailed me to tell me that I was “King of the Manginas”. (At some point, I need to have that shirt made at CaféPress.)
Here’s the interview:
But if these haters had bothered to really read what I’ve written, and then reflect on it briefly, they would soon discover that I don’t put COMPLETE responsibility on men… just the 50% that belongs to them, leaving the remaining 50% at womens’ feet. Do men get away with murder with the women in their lives? Yes. As a general statement, men do pretty much what they want, say what they want, and keep the women in their lives down (intentionally or unintentionally). However, men aren’t the only parties in a relationship, and women have a significant portion of accountability. In truth, although women don’t always see it, they are the ones’ who are truly in control, as men can only treat women poorly if they allow it. And by allowing it, they are relinquishing their control of the situation. In effect, this poor treatment is being furthered and empowered by the women themselves.
Compounding this situation is many womens’ compulsive need to fix, change and/or save the men who are in their lives. In contrast, many men have an overwhelming need to cheat, ignore, lie (by omission or by telling half-truths), and to take women for granted—the very women who are their life partners, women they’ve promised to honor and cherish. And how does this behavior affect women? They complain, criticize, bitch, and protest. But more often than not, these same women do not follow through, and men know it. Women accept a man’s bad behavior in a relationship for a variety of supposedly justifiable reasons:
- “I’m staying for the kids.”
- “But, I love him.”
- “He’s such a good father.”
- “My man’s not so bad compared to the others I’ve seen.”
- “I’m too old to play the field again.”
- “These are just rough spots in the marriage. I’ll stick it out.” (Note: Ten years is not defined as a “rough spot”; it’s called a way of life.)
These are the precise fears and rationalizations that incapacitate thousands of women who have been brainwashed by society since childhood. Men are seemingly quite comfortable with the way things are, but when you strip away the façade of pleasantness, many women are unhappy with the way their relationships are progressing (or not progressing, in many cases). To rectify this, women need to make some fundamental changes in how they relate to the man in their lives, take control, and move beyond only feeling worthwhile when a man accepts them.
At the root of these issues is men, but women allow—and consistently invite themselves—to be treated like emotional punching bags. This cycle needs to be stopped… but women need to apply the brakes on how men are allowed to treat them, as men are seemingly comfortable. Women and can avoid these damaging relationship issues by demanding more, not sacrificing their self-esteem and self-worth in an effort to “contribute” to their relationships by placating the man in their life. If a man’s ego is so fragile that a confident woman with a secure sense of “self” can break it, then it is his issue. There is nothing a woman can do to fix him—he needs to find his own sense of masculinity.
You also might want to check out:
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- The Untold Secrets of Successful Relationships I’ve long suggested that a successful relationship or marriage takes effort, not “work”. Oftentimes, Work is that thing you must do in order to have time and flexibility for the things you really care about. Effort is what you put in to activities you care about… that you are most...
7 Responses to “Bad Relationships: Is it ALL Men’s Fault?”
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Trish Says:
August 28th, 2009 at 3:33 pmThis blog smack-dab hit me right between the eyes. You are so RIGHT about this. My husband has gotten away with treating me like crap for the last 20 years; drinking, rage, criticizing, ignoring the children (who are now adults and have zero relationship with him). And, sadly, I now see that I let it happen. Thanks for giving me a new perspective on how screwed up my marriage is. Now I now what I have to do.
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Charles Orlando Says:
August 28th, 2009 at 11:58 pm@Trish Hopefully, you’re not contemplating divorce right away. The secret is communication. If you’ve let things go too long, it sounds like you need to evaluate a bunch of things… and talk to him. IMHO, decisions made purely of emotion might be "correct", but they are almost never "right" (read: not the right time, not the right way to do it, etc.).
Good luck to you.
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valmont Says:
August 31st, 2009 at 11:34 amWomen and can avoid these damaging relationship issues by demanding more, not sacrificing their self-esteem and self-worth in an effort to “contribute” to their relationships by placating the man in their life.
I’ve seen as much men placate themselves in a marriage than the other way around in North America…you see when a guy gets marriend in the US, with the help of its legal system, the wife has most of the power.
If a man’s ego is so fragile that a confident woman with a secure sense of “self” can break it, then it is his issue.
women have as big ego’s as men…try criticizing a women or let her know that she gained weight, …you think women can handle constructive criticism more than men?…not the women I meet in my life
In contrast, many men have an overwhelming need to cheat, ignore, lie (by omission or by telling half-truths), and to take women for granted
I agree that men have tendencies to take their significant others for granted abd become lazy and sloppy and that is a deadly mistake, however women are BETTER liars than men on average and they cheat as much as men…but they dont get caught as much as men because as said, they are on the average, BETTER at hiding it.
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Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles Says:
September 7th, 2009 at 8:34 pmWell, I, for one, hugely appreciate the work that you’re doing on behalf of women and better relationships in general and hope that you won’t get discouraged by the very men who have the most invested in maintaining the status quo.
As for female responsibility, it’s true that some women cling to bad relationships. It can be very hard to let go of someone you love and have invested so much time and energy in, and there’s an unfortunate stigma against singles in our society that makes it hard for many women to contemplate being alone. But I think you’re absolutely right that women need to find the courage and self-respect to draw the line nevertheless. This is doubly true when there aren’t kids involved. (I have more sympathy for women who tolerate bad behavior because they want to keep the household together since divorce can be very, very hard on kids.)
Thank you for encouraging women to stop tolerating the lie that irresponsible, deceitful, or callus behavior from men is just par for the course. Nobody–male or female–has any excuse to treat another human being in any other way than how they’d want to be treated.
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Leo Durocher Says:
September 21st, 2009 at 6:53 pmMr. Orlando. There is another reason you forgot. Brace yourselves ladies, you’re not gonna like it, but it is true: Women are attracted to bad boys and jerks who treat them like $%*!. You wouldn’t know what to do if you ever got what you say you want, as you very quickly become bored with the men that treat you well, and are rid of them in short order, or you are soon out cheating or otherwise getting your infusion of the drama and conflict that seems to be your lifeblood.
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Halle Says:
September 28th, 2009 at 4:59 amI agree. I’ve been married to the same man for 13 years, and we are pretty happy. We love each other and are usually respectful toward each other. Once in a while, I will notice that he starts to get a little short with me, even rude. I call him on it, and remind him that we don’t play those games. We don’t insult each other, not even in play. I ask him if I have ever been deliberately rude to him, and he agrees that I never have. He gets it. And his behavior shapes up. If it didn’t, I would know that he no longer values our relationship, and I would let him know that. I have been divorced once, it was the right choice. Because I have divorced a man, my husband knows that if we aren’t happy and respectful of each other, I could very well divorce him. I hope I never have to, I love my husband very much. But I would never let him fall into a pattern of continual disrespect. That would ruin our relationship.
It helped a lot when he realized one day that he was crabbing at me the way his Dad used to crab at his Mom — and they didn’t have a happy marriage,. and ended up divorced. He realized he didn’t want to repeat that pattern.
He is a great guy.
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Sharon Says:
March 13th, 2010 at 4:26 amBest book on men (and women) I've read to this day: "King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine" by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette from 1991. A classic and a must-read for men and women. I read it in 2005 and it's still a favorite. Don't let the long title scare you!