Cheating is a CHOICE…
The age-old question: What makes a person in a marriage or committed relationship cheat? Despite what a guest on today’s Tyra Banks Show wants to say (that there is a cheating gene), the real answer depends on whether you’re talking about a woman or a man. Several infidelity studies have found that men and women who are cheating on their spouses gave different reasons to justify their extramarital affairs.
Cheating was one of the subjects I covered with over 1,200 women and 400+ men in my research for The Problem with Women… is Men; the results were fascinating. Aside from infidelity being identified as one of the four core flaws in men (as discussed in my book), the sad truth is that being caught—albeit subconsciously—was evidently the long-term goal. Allow me to elaborate:
Despite what “EXTRA” host Mario Lopez and his guests say about “If women nag, then men cheat,” the reality is actually much different. [UPDATED: Besides, Mario is known for his infidelity, so why are we listening to him and his cronies?]
Women reported that they cheat mostly for emotional reasons, which highlights the contrast on how the genders identify the “reasons” for sex… the top reasons are:
- Lack of emotional intimacy
- Marital or relationship unhappiness
- Reaffirm her desirability
- To re-experience feelings of romance
- Loneliness
Of the men polled, 80% openly admitted to cheating largely for physical or sexual gratification with no emotional tie. Rounding out the top reasons men cheat included:
- Just want to have sex or sexual variety
- Presented with an opportunity to have sex, without getting immediately caught
- Satisfy sexual curiosity about having sex with a particular person
- The “thrill of the chase”
- The desire to feel important or special (an ego boost)
However, in delving further into the mens’ reasons, I discovered that most of them men were “unable to get out of their relationships” prior to their infidelity, which translated into the simple fact that they lacked the skills/respect to maturely discuss their unhappiness with their significant other. In short, they acknowledged that they were unhappy and looking for a way out… but they couldn’t bring themselves to pull the trigger on the relationship. If they cheated and got caught (most long-term cheaters do end up getting caught), they were able to quickly turn the tables, telling their spouse how it was THEIR fault they cheated because [insert reason here: not enough sex, boredom, etc.].
Look, I get it: Monogamy isn’t for everyone. But, if you’ve made promises, stick to them.
Cheating is a choice. Period.
You also might want to check out:
- Cheating and the White House As Election Day approaches in the U.S., I keep thinking about the honor of our country’s “leaders”—past, present, and future—and how they relate to the women they’ve promised to love and respect. I’ve ranted at length on the indiscretions of politicians, and how they have a habit of cheating on their significant...
- Flings, Affairs, and Online Infidelity Recently, I’ve been asked a lot of questions (via email) regarding infidelity… from both men and women. And as there are many new visitors to this blog (men) attempting to discern what my message is, allow me to make it clear: Men and women both cheat. Their motivations are very...
11 Responses to “Cheating is a CHOICE…”
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Tina Says:
October 14th, 2009 at 7:24 pmMy husband was caught having a relationship with another woman. He says it was not sexual but they would go to lunch, talk on the phone about 5 times a day, and the whole time it was hiden from me for 7months. Was his motive to sleep with her? She knew he was married. He still to this day says they never had sex. I will never know will I?
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Mack Says:
October 17th, 2009 at 4:31 amIs it just me or are you trying to say that when a woman cheats it is the man's fault and when the man cheats it is the man's fault. Pander much?
Is this serious? Are there tards out there with no enough IQ's to fall for this.
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charlesjorlando Says:
October 19th, 2009 at 7:26 am@Mack No… you've missed the point. As far as blame: cheating (regardless if the cheater is a man or a woman) is the CHEATER'S fault. Too many men blame other things… and too many women blame "the other woman".
What I was discussing here is the motivations for cheating in the first place.
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Tessa Says:
October 19th, 2009 at 1:18 pmI never understood guy's need to cheat to boost their ego. I mean, come on, how on earth does the number of women they can bed prove their manhood? To me, such a guy is has an emotional issue. I don't believe in a 'cheating gene' either. You cheat only because you wanted to. Period.
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Welmer Says:
October 19th, 2009 at 1:18 pmOf course he's pandering, Mack. Notice the swine imagery?
Chuck, I think the pimp schtick is wearing out a bit. Not sure it's going to pay off for you like it does for Dr. Phil, but feel free to keep trying — maybe you can make a living selling books to gender studies departments.
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moi alone Says:
October 25th, 2009 at 11:44 pmhmmm, well, I like the list of reasons a woman cheats. I also believe I was unable to get out of my relationship prior to my infidelity, which translated into the simple fact I lacked the skills/respect to maturely discuss my unhappiness with –whomever, mostly a lawyer, a very grown-up professional capacity I never hired before or since my eventual divorce -which I DID finally pursue myself. I'd also like to think (from the list of reasons a woman cheats) I DID try to discuss all these concerns with my then-husband, but we didnt have an "amicable" divorce. In other words, he wasnt going to HELP me get out of our relationship (I cant understand what value there is in keeping a wife who isnt happy, but I proved myself, afterall. My "lover" as my ex-husband calls him to this day (more than a decade later) didnt help me either in ANY tangible way. I simply .. got the strength.
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Steve Says:
October 26th, 2009 at 4:39 amWelmer, Mack, say what you want, but this guy still makes a very valid point.
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Stephanie Says:
November 8th, 2009 at 8:31 pmReading this article along with the viewing the whole website here reaffirms why I avoid men like the plague. One relationship back in my 20s that dealt with him cheating and giving verbal abuse made me realize life is too short to put up with males who want to spread their seed with anyone. I know that if I were in a relationship or marriage I would never cheat, never have and never will. Never in heat and am not addicted to sex just for the heck of it. People we are supposed to be above the animals for God sake.
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Cheaters are the Worst Says:
November 9th, 2009 at 4:48 pm:O So mUch Info :O
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Michael Kleder Says:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:31 amTina all I wanna say is having a calm mind and clear head is very important in conversations and confrontation. Letting your emotions run high can have disastrous effects. Always keep yourself in check so you can make the right decisions and respond accordingly. According to me a cheating is cheating, no matter if there is a need of sex or there is a feeling of love.
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Singletude Says:
November 24th, 2009 at 5:21 pmCheating is a selfish, cowardly way to handle a failing relationship, whether the cheater is a man or a woman. It's the act of someone who wants to have his/her cake and eat it, too, at the expense of his/her mate. Cheaters want to have what they want, whether that's better or more frequent sex, sexual variety, an ego boost, romance, or whatever, while retaining the comfort and security of a primary relationship. It's such a huge offense not only because a commitment has been broken but because it deprives the faithful partner of the right to make an informed choice about whether or not to continue in a relationship in which there is now a third party. Bottom line: If you're no longer happy in a relationship, either work it out or get out. It's the ultimate in betrayal, selfishness, and cowardice to soak up all the benefits of a relationship while shirking all the responsibilities.