Women Who Don’t Speak Their Minds… Die.
They say that arguing is a part of married life. I would counter that point, and say that negotiating is a healthier term, but let’s compare apples-to-apples here. A recent study of just over 4,000 men and women (located on the East Coast) asked whether they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse. 32% of the men and 23% of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during a marital spat.
In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn’t have any measurable effect on health. But women who didn’t speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die sooner, when compared to women who told their husbands how they felt.
The interesting point was this: Whether the woman reported being in a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage didn’t change her risk. In short, it was about how the woman acted, rather than reacting, that made the difference for her health.
Other studies at various universities have linked the self-silencing trait to numerous psychological and physical health risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.
The emotional tone that men and women take during arguments with a spouse can also take a toll on their health. Researchers videotaped 150 couples to measure the effect that marital arguing style has on heart risk. The men and women were mostly in their 60s, had been married on average for more than 30 years and had no signs of heart disease. The couples were given stressful topics to discuss, like money or household chores, and the comments made during the ensuing arguments were categorized as warm, hostile, controlling or submissive.
The researchers found that the style of argument detected in the video sessions was a powerful predictor for a man or woman’s risk for underlying heart disease.
For women, whether a husband’s arguing style was warm or hostile had the biggest effect on her heart health. Researchers note that in a fight about money, for instance, one man said, “Did you pass elementary school math?” But another said, “Bless you, you are not so good with the checkbook, but you’re good at other things.” In both exchanges, the husband was criticizing his wife’s money management skills, but the second comment was infused with a level of warmth. In the study, a warm style of arguing by either spouse lowered the wife’s risk of heart disease.
But arguing style affected men and women differently. The level of warmth or hostility had no effect on a man’s heart health. For a man, heart risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control. And it didn’t matter whether he or his wife was the one making the controlling comments. An example of a controlling argument style showed up in one video of a man arguing with his wife about money. “You really should just listen to me on this,” he told her.
What’s particularly notable about the study is that the men and women filled out standard questionnaires about the quality of their relationships, but those answers were not a good predictor of cardiovascular risk. The difference in risk showed up only when the quality of the couple’s bickering style was assessed.
In short, couples have a lot of work to do. They need to learn how to negotiate, not fight… and that includes learning how to articulate their view of things without being judgmental and condescending. And until people are serious about keeping a true balance of power (read: control) in their relationships, they will continue to have these—and other—health challenges.
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