Common Courtesy

In The Problem with Women… is Men, “Etiquette” was identified as one of the four core flaws of men. But etiquette is more than just knowing which fork to eat with at a high-end restaurant, or how much to tip the valet at a Las Vegas casino. And etiquette is certainly more than what the media showcases as “good behavior” of men, instead dubbing it—dare I even type the word?—Metrosexual.  Being “Metro” seems to be society’s way of watering down men with style, class, self-esteem, and honor… and adding a hint of homosexuality. To deny that men aren’t *men* when they care about their inner/outer appearance is asinine… and the notion of homosexuality doesn’t figure into the equation.

And besides, the etiquette I’m referring to is more important… transcending the realms of gay or straight; married or single; nice guy or bad boy. Perhaps it can be most aptly described as “basic civility + gentlemanly conduct”. This kind of courtesy leaves behind any notion of sexually-motivated actions (read: men can open the door for other men without it “meaning” anything, ya kno’?), and can be separated into two groups of behavior:  1) What is considered modern-day chivalry—door opening, flowers, pulling out chairs… you know the rest; and 2) What I can only describe as common courtesy. As we are now in an era that we throw sheep at someone on Facebook rather than send a thank you note, both of these areas seem to be drifting into obscurity.

When it comes to romantic relationships, manners and gentlemanly conduct should be synonymous… but as I connect with more and more people of both genders, it’s become painfully obvious that many have missed this boat. For some men, the act of “bonding” includes disgusting behavior in mixed company—I notion I’ve never understood or endorsed. Releasing a 15-second three-octave fart—one so foul it makes the dog leave the room—seems to be a standing goal with men of all ages… although I’m not entirely sure how one would put that skill on a résumé. But let’s put grotesque bodily functions aside (which I discuss and discard in my book and don’t need to lament here, as dead horses need not be beaten).

When first starting a relationship, men generally make a concerted effort to make dates and time-spent something special and memorable (whatever their motivations—sexual, romantic, financial). Whirlwind romances conjure images of lengthy love notes written in long hand, flowers on Fridays, and his car being washed before a date. But as time passes, relationships seem to simultaneously grow and wither. Things change… become routine…. and men get comfortable. Very comfortable.

For many, being comfortable turns into minimal effort and high expectations, and common courtesy goes out the window (with passion and romance often being right behind). And to be fair—and to preempt the onslaught of email wrongfully accusing/blasting me for being a misandronist—there are many women who also head down this same path of taking things for granted. But oftentimes the reasons for their lack of passion largely differ from their male counterparts (but that is the subject of another article—much of which exists as a chapter in my book).

But these romantic relationship examples are mere symptoms of a growing disease that can only be filed under “Lack of Effort in All Relationships”. Cynical? Perhaps… but let’s give a real example. Relationships aren’t always romantic, and many are started and ended every day. A prime example: the service industry.

When a patron approaches a counter at the local Starbucks, a short-term “relationship” is formed with the person working on the other side of the counter. In an age not to long ago, service personnel would greet a customer, maybe even smile. Today:  Not so much. Now, when I walk up to the counter to place my order, I’m often greeted with, “————————————” (that would be the sound of silence)… so I wait for them to acknowledge me. Once they do, oftentimes it’s with an empty, “So, what can I getcha?”. I then order and pay, and I am then faced with more… laziness (sorry, it’s the only term I can find that fits).  My change—the bills and coins— and my receipt are thrust into my hand at the same time (causing me to stand there, pissed off and holding up the line, as my bills need to be put in one place, my coins in another, and the receipt in still another. Has this happened to you, or am I just spouting like a crazy person??). This example of poor courtesy is then compounded. Not only am I forced to deal with poor service from a person without basic manners in their repertoire, but the patron behind me is angry at me for “holding up the line”… so they start sighing and squeezing in to place their order with the civility-devoid automaton ringing up espresso.

(PLEASE NOTE: I’m fully aware that there are TONS of quality service personnel out there, and if you are one of them:  THANK YOU!… and I’m not writing about you.   I’m simply sharing my observations of others in your line of work that are ruining your outstanding efforts.)

Again, these are all symptoms… symptoms of a society that is complacent and allowing. So it stands to reason that much of this would spill over into other relationships: romantic, parental, or platonic. The cure? In a word: effort. “Effort” is different than “Work”. Work is that think you do so you can do something else (work on your car… so you can drive; go to work… so you can earn a living and enjoy your time off). Effort is different. Effort is what you put in to things that you care about… that matter to you personally… spiritually… emotionally. I would offer that if more people put in Effort rather than Work, the quality of relationships would improve… and perhaps the person behind me in line at Starbucks won’t accost me. But I digress…

You also might want to check out:

1. Can Men and Women be Friends… only? Platonic relationships. Can a man and a woman just be friends, without sex entering into the mix? I asked a number of people from all walks of life—including a number of relationships and dating experts—and the responses have been very interesting. Of the 100+ people I spoke with /...
2. The Guys’ Code Over the past year (since my book was first published), the list of negative nicknames I’ve been called—as well as the amount of hate mail in my inbox—has grown. The vast majority of these idioms and flamemails are written by men (I’ll address my opinion on their motivations in a...

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 at 10:27 pm and is filed under Dating, Etiquette, Marriage, Training a Man. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.