Should a Woman’s Success Destroy Her Marriage?

Married couples’ fights most often surround three main issues: sex, kids and money. And regardless of who the breadwinner is, money fights always come back to one issue: control.

Take Melissa (name changed), a participant in my research for The Problem with Women… is Men, and a top executive at an advertising firm in New York. When she met Bryan—the man who would become her husband—they were both in middle management earning roughly the same salaries; he at his job, and she at hers.

However, through a lot of effort and natural talent, Melissa’s career hit its stride. After several years of working 60+-hour weeks, she broke through the Glass Ceiling and became a highly respected and well-paid senior executive. Taking over the firm as president was then a very real possibility on the horizon. But as her status, influence, and paycheck grew, her marriage began to deteriorate. She attempted to work on their relationship, but Bryan seemed to become uninterested, citing trivial issues as his reasons for his discontent.

In addition to having to pick up the slack because of Melissa’s long work hours—something many women must do by default—Bryan was genuinely threatened by her rapid advancement and success. After a year in marriage counseling, they divorced. Bryan, like so many other men, had his masculinity built on all the wrong things, and his ego couldn’t handle that she was building something for herself; in this case, a solid career with her as the major bread-winner.

Before their split, Melissa and Bryan had terrible fights-the vast majority of which were based on control. Even though she was the major wage earner, Bryan had grown very passive-aggressive, creating problems and roadblocks for Melissa. As a result, she was forced to manage the house, in addition to holding down her demanding job. Returning from work each day, she had to transport their 12 and 14-year-old daughters to after-school activities, then monitor their homework, and take over the shopping, finance management; everything.

The real issue here, is Bryan’s lack of respect and emotional support for Melissa… which we know stems from his own insecurities. This situation—a husband dealing with having a wife who earns money—is a multi-faceted subject itself, and it points up one of the grave difficulties many men have in attaching their masculinity to something other than “Protect. Provide.”

Generally speaking, the whole concept of masculinity being dictated by society is largely based on the wrong things. It’s just one gigantic—and shameful—set-up. Boys learn very early in their lives that to be a “real man,” they must be the major (if not the sole) breadwinners. And therein lies the set-up:  Given the state of the economy, this type of plan has not been economically feasible for quite some time, as making ends meet requires two salaries.

Besides, being a monetary provider only goes so far. Women are looking for so much more.

You also might want to check out:

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2. DVRs will save your marriage It’s very nice to have my research validated—even if it is three years later. As part of my interview questions given to over 1,200 women for my upcoming book, I asked them about two well-known problems: the toilet seat and the remote control. I won’t go into the former, but...

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 at 10:47 am and is filed under Arguments, Divorce, Marriage, Research/Studies, Training a Man. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.