The Guys’ Code

Over the past year (since my book was first published), the list of negative nicknames I’ve been called—as well as the amount of hate mail in my inbox—has grown. The vast majority of these idioms and flamemails are written by men (I’ll address my opinion on their motivations in a different article), but they all share a common thread. Either I’ve: 1) Broken the Guy’s Code; 2) I’m a feminist/misandrist or a “Beta Male” (which they mean as a wimpy, watered down version of a man; or 3) I’m patronizing/sucking up to women in order to (and I quote) “tell them what they want to hear, so I can get laid after a book signing.”

Wherever these misguided opinions/blasts come from, I’m neither a Beta Male or “man hater” (WTF?? SERIOUSLY??), nor am I looking to cheat on the woman I married (and still love more than anything 19 years later). If you had to cubbyhole me, I suppose I’m a feminist. But in reality, I’m just an advocate of relationships being built on equality (and since when the hell is THAT so bad??). However, due to my drive towards equality, I must plead guilty to breaking the Guy’s Code.

The Guy’s Code is an unwritten rulebook (of sorts) that men over the age of 16 are kinda familiar with. There’s a variety of “rules to live by” (i.e. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times, etc.), but there are also unspoken/unwritten “rules” when it comes to relationships.  A short sampling:

• Rule #1: Get laid. Beg, borrow, steal, lie, cheat, manipulate, whatever it takes… but get yours.
• Rule #2: See Rule #1
• Rule #3: If a guy cheats on his girl, his friends—even if they are also friends with his girlfriend/wife—will not tell her.
• Rule #4: Deflect any accusations or request for discussion by turning the tables. Examples: If she’s wondering why your distant, ask her why she is pressuring you when you just want to relax after a hard day/week. If she wants to talk about where the relationship “is headed”, ask her where she thinks it’s headed… then demonstrate your concern with body language and facial expressions.
• Rule #5: Don’t be a “Nice Guy”. Nice Guys are wimps, and Bad Boys are interesting (and keep the spark alive).

The Guys’ Code is outdated, outmoded, and generally unnecessary. It’s rooted in misdirection, manipulation, insecurity, and homophobia. Why not just be straight with your thoughts and feelings? I’m not suggesting being some spineless wimp, but I AM suggesting that investing in your relationship—beyond these kinds of manipulative behaviors—will generally improve relations. No?

You also might want to check out:

1. Nice Guys and Bad Boys The general perception of Bad Boys: cocky, arrogant, inconsiderate, inattentive, and almost unfeeling… yet women flock to them. With all the negatives re: Bad Boys, what are the real motivators for women to have a one-time or recurring want/desire for a Bad Boy in their life? Are they just trying...
2. Common Courtesy In The Problem with Women… is Men, “Etiquette” was identified as one of the four core flaws of men. But etiquette is more than just knowing which fork to eat with at a high-end restaurant, or how much to tip the valet at a Las Vegas casino. And etiquette is certainly...

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 at 4:12 pm and is filed under Dating, Etiquette, Marriage, Training a Man. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.