‘Arguments’ Category
Should a Woman’s Success Destroy Her Marriage?
January 6th, 2010
Married couples’ fights most often surround three main issues: sex, kids and money. And regardless of who the breadwinner is, money fights always come back to one issue: control.
Take Melissa (name changed), a participant in my research for The Problem with Women… is Men, and a top executive at an advertising firm in New York. When she met Bryan—the man who would become her husband—they were both in middle management earning roughly the same salaries; he at his job, and she at hers.
However, through a lot of effort and natural talent, Melissa’s career hit its stride. After several years of working 60+-hour weeks, she broke through the Glass Ceiling and became a highly respected and well-paid senior executive. Taking over the firm as president was then a very real possibility on the horizon. But as her status, influence, and paycheck grew, her marriage began to deteriorate. She attempted to work on their relationship, but Bryan seemed to become uninterested, citing trivial issues as his reasons for his discontent.
In addition to having to pick up the slack because of Melissa’s long work hours—something many women must do by default—Bryan was genuinely threatened by her rapid advancement and success. After a year in marriage counseling, they divorced. Bryan, like so many other men, had his masculinity built on all the wrong things, and his ego couldn’t handle that she was building something for herself; in this case, a solid career with her as the major bread-winner.
Women Who Don’t Speak Their Minds… Die.
October 12th, 2009
They say that arguing is a part of married life. I would counter that point, and say that negotiating is a healthier term, but let’s compare apples-to-apples here. A recent study of just over 4,000 men and women (located on the East Coast) asked whether they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse. 32% of the men and 23% of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during a marital spat.
In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn’t have any measurable effect on health. But women who didn’t speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die sooner, when compared to women who told their husbands how they felt.
How to Get a Hands-On Husband
September 15th, 2009
Many men are driven by primal instincts to solve problems based on evidence and/or hard data. And when it comes to child care, those instincts can sometimes quell the possibility of knowing what a child needs, when they need it and how often. As a result, men oftentimes take a voluntary step back from child care, leaving the mother with the lion’s share of the workload. Women wanting to change this cycle have options…
- Hoping it fixes itself. This has the most chance of failure. Wants and needs need to be communicated clearly … and most times, consistently.
- Complaining. Men are prepared for the inevitable “I-know-you-just-got-home-but-I’ve-been-doing-this-all-day-and-you-need-to-help-me-out” statements. The result is usually more withdrawal, or passive-aggressive attempts at doing something to “help”.
- Change your approach.
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