‘Divorce’ Category
False Promises, Accountability, and Conan O’Brien
January 13th, 2010
It’s hot news. NBC is altering its late night schedule to solve its primetime issues—mostly with The Jay Leno Show—and Conan O’Brien is in the crosshairs. He is a man with seemingly no where to go. He doesn’t want to acquiesce to the Power That Be and move The Tonight Show to a new timeslot (after over 60 years of following the local 11:00 News). Doing so, Conan feels, would “seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting,” (not to mention, it would put a dent in the viewers/ratings of Jimmy Fallon’s newly-acquired Late Night).
Should a Woman’s Success Destroy Her Marriage?
January 6th, 2010
Married couples’ fights most often surround three main issues: sex, kids and money. And regardless of who the breadwinner is, money fights always come back to one issue: control.
Take Melissa (name changed), a participant in my research for The Problem with Women… is Men, and a top executive at an advertising firm in New York. When she met Bryan—the man who would become her husband—they were both in middle management earning roughly the same salaries; he at his job, and she at hers.
However, through a lot of effort and natural talent, Melissa’s career hit its stride. After several years of working 60+-hour weeks, she broke through the Glass Ceiling and became a highly respected and well-paid senior executive. Taking over the firm as president was then a very real possibility on the horizon. But as her status, influence, and paycheck grew, her marriage began to deteriorate. She attempted to work on their relationship, but Bryan seemed to become uninterested, citing trivial issues as his reasons for his discontent.
In addition to having to pick up the slack because of Melissa’s long work hours—something many women must do by default—Bryan was genuinely threatened by her rapid advancement and success. After a year in marriage counseling, they divorced. Bryan, like so many other men, had his masculinity built on all the wrong things, and his ego couldn’t handle that she was building something for herself; in this case, a solid career with her as the major bread-winner.
The Shelf-Life of Romance
July 28th, 2009
A recent study shows that the romantic part of marriage—for the average couple—is a mere two years, six months. Given that the 50% of all couples divorce before their 5th anniversary* (with 82% of them citing “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for separation), I suppose it’s not a surprise… but it makes me wonder why these people got married in the first place. And some of the stats are alarming…
There were 5,000 couples polled… and many of the issues raised surround common issues married couples face every day:
- Seven in ten men frequently leave their dirty laundry laying around the house.
- 79% say they no longer bothered putting the toilet seat down.
- 60% of those surveyed say they haven’t been surprised with a romantic night out since getting married.
- 75% of all respondents said they wouldn’t relinquish the remote control to their other half, even if asked nicely
These issues speak to the challenges of control in a marriage… and men certainly have control as a top-of-mind item. Many men have the overwhelming need to control and dominate… everything. Men don’t feel they’re doing their jobs unless they mark their territory by figuratively peeing on everything within a 1,000-foot radius. Dominance and control are concepts men worship in every facet of their lives. We thrill at it in every boxing match we watch, and every car we pass on the freeway. Being “in-charge” of a woman is an extension of a man’s need to control everything in his life (and I’m speaking generally. So if you’re not one of those men, then I’m no referring to you.). It is carefully instilled in us from a very young age (“Watch your sister and keep her out of trouble!”) and it stays with us.
It is dominance that allows men to see themselves as strong, courageous, and brave. The opposite end of that positive self-perception bell curve, unfortunately, is arrogance and abuse of power. It is the misuse of dominance that upsets the natural order of relationships… and it’s that misuse that young boys see in their parents’ relationships that is the catalyst for boys to learn to build their own masculine self-image on the wrong things.
Going out of your way for your spouse shouldn’t be something “new” couples do… and fighting over control is the gateway to divorce.
* Source: Association of Divorce Reform