Q:  Hi Charles! Tell me I am a pain in the ass, but I’d love your opinion here (tell me to shut up, it’s ok… I just love your views). I want to end my current relationship, but “Mr. Wonderful” has gone from over-communicating to completely shutting down. He is the king of text messaging (I hate it, personally) and usually clogs my phone up several times a day with news on how hard he’s working or how tired he is. Since I told him I’d like to talk (you know… I’ve hit time’s up, and he knows I’m going to end this), I’ve heard nothing. The last message I got from him was after he had a doctor’s appointment on Thursday (finally) because he’s got something wrong with his foot. I asked how it went and got a message “I’ll live”. That’s it. No further communication.

He’s VERY upset that I told him to go to the doctor (his foot was in so much pain, and I think it’s some sort of infection… (he’s at the gym a lot) and that I wasn’t babying his pain enough. He wanted me to make like he had a heart attack. LOL! Honestly, if you knew how I took care of this guy, you’d THROW UP. He has his own home but comes here for four course meals, laundry, lunch, and even to pick up lunch if he is on the go. He’ll get out of a meeting at 9pm and I’ll re-start a whole dinner for him because he doesn’t like leftovers. He is here a lot and it’s all dependent on his schedule—not mine. He also enjoys his friends quite often—guy’s night out is important to him at least once a week and that’s a non-issue with me. His problem is that he wants me to be ready when he calls—-like 8:30 pm and saying “I’m on my way, did you make dinner yet?” and I totally didn’t expect him. No clue ALL day that he was coming by.  

So… all that said, I’m a sucker, right?? He does have nice qualities…he’s well spoken, polite, and he’s very affectionate. Well, I sort of see that as needy because if we are watching TV or just hanging out, he says “You need to keep a body part on me at all times because I need to feel loved”. UGH! I just want to end this madness and get on with life. I feel like he is this guy who won’t answer because he doesn’t “want” the “divorce” on my terms…he wants to make me feel horrible. If I call, I’m the sap who made the call. If I don’t, I’m the bitch who didn’t care. Can I win here?

—Fed-up

A:  Hi Fed-up. No… you are NOT a pain in the ass. What you are describing is classic silent treatment in an effort to gain control. He’s “punishing” you by leaving you alone (read: without him or contact from him).  I’m sure he has redeeming qualities, but what you are describing is very childish behavior (having to “force” him to to the doctor, no calls, needing to be babied for his injuries)… as well as VERY silently abusive behavior (taking you and your kindness for granted). The truth, though—as brash as it may sound—is that you have a ton of accountability in the present situation. You are enabling him to take advantage of him with all your effort. From what you describe, the only relationship that is in existence is the relationship YOU invest in, with him offering almost nothing.  

Can you “win”? It depends. If you have no financial ties (house, car, bank accounts) and no emotional ties (kids, marriage, still-harbored feelings of love), than if you—as you put it—“want it to end” , then it’s over. Period. (Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.) The real question that remains is: are YOU done with this? If yes, then it’s already over. If no, or you need some kind of closure, then you aren’t really done.  

From my (very limited) perspective, you’ve put up with WAY too much. He sounds like he gives you just enough “love” to keep you wanting, with the rest of the time spent on keeping you down/back (which is why he doesn’t care about your career). Here’s my advice:  Re-read Chapter 2 of The Problem with Women… is Men. It’s FILLED with your exact situation… and whether you are 100% accurate or not, it’s how you are PERCEIVING it… and that is what’s leading to your feeling taken for granted and more…